How to Win Friends and Influence People

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How to Win Friends and Influence People par Mind Map: How to Win Friends and Influence People

1. Fundamental Techniques on How to Handle People

1.1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

1.1.1. Criticism is futile Hurts pride and only makes people justify Kills ambition and improvement No lasting changes incurs resentment

1.1.2. As much as we thirst for approval we dread condemnation

1.1.3. Lincoln "Judge not that ye be not judged" Letter of Criticism Result (unsend) Relieves feelings Justification and condemnastion General Arousement Hard feelings Resignment Army Conclusion: ends in futility

1.1.4. People are not creatures of logic but of emotion. Bristling with prejustices and motivated by pride and vanity.

1.1.5. Bob Hoover - Pilot Air show WWII Propeller Engines stopped 100ft Wrong fuel by mechanic Responded by letting mechanic take care of F-51 day after Response Result More profitable and Intriguing Breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness To know all is to forgive all Mechanic always delivered perfect work

1.2. Give honest and sincere appreciation

1.2.1. Sigmunt Frued "I do everything out of 2 motives" Sex Urge Desire to be great

1.2.2. John Dewey "Deepest urge in nature is the desire to be important." 1. Health 2. Food 3. Sleep 4. Money and what you can buy with it 5. Life in the herafter 6. Sexual Gratification 7. Well-being of our childeren 8. Feeling of importance (Greatness)

1.2.3. Lincoln Desire to be Great Grocery Clerk Study Lawbook 50c Became Lawyer Became President

1.2.4. Desire to be important Makes you want latest cars, tech, fashion,.. The way how, determines your character

1.2.5. Character Importance John D. Rockefeller Money for Peking Hospital Washington G. "His mightiness","President of US" Catherine the Great Letters adressed to "Her imperial Majesty" Colombus "Admiral of the ocean and Viceroy of India" Mrs Mckinley Forced husband to neglect important tasks to sooth her to sleep.

1.2.6. Honest and sincere appreciation Lack results into sanity Teacher acknowledged boy's talented ears to find class pet Stevie Wonder One of the most negected virtues Leave a friendly trail of little sparks of grattitude on your daily trips small flames of friendships Be honest in your appreciation and lavish in your praise People will cherish your words, treasure them, repeat them over a lifetime.

1.3. Arouse in the other person an eager want

1.3.1. Fishing = Bait the hook to suit the fish

1.3.2. Focus on what the other wants Allign your wants Talk about their wants Show them how to get it

1.3.3. Example Smoking Children Show them smoking keeps them from "their" goal. Stubborn Calf Do not push and pull it to the Barn The Calf wants to drink = finger in the mouth and lead it to the Barn gently Good Sales People Solve problems No need to sell, we buy Daughter skips breakfast Likes to immitate mother Give responsibility to prepare breakfast Feeling of importance = own contribution

2. 6 ways to make people like you

2.1. Become genuinely interested in other people

2.1.1. People interested in themselves

2.1.2. Example Fuel Town dealer Could not sell to chain store company Staged debate - "Does the chain store do the country more harm then good?" Defends the company and arranged meeting Long meeting organisation (Gladly talked about his company) Organisation asked to order fuel from town dealer 2 way street - 1 person shows interest + 1 person receiver

2.2. Smile

2.2.1. Actions speak louder than words Smile says "I like you, you make me happy glad to see you"

2.2.2. Baby smile converts to conversations with strangers

2.2.3. Chinese Proverb "A man without a smile must not open a shop"

2.2.4. Values Smile Costs nothing Enriches Receivers Happens in a flash but lasts None are so rich to go without and none so poor but are richer for its benefits. Creates Happiness Rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged and sunshine to the sad Can not be bought, no good until given For nobody needs a smile as those who have none left to give

2.3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

2.3.1. Example Scotlandish Boy & Rabbits Nest of rabbits No food to give Asked neighbouring kids to pull clovers and dandelions Name the rabits in their honor Turned into "the steel king" Carnegie Steelworks battle Carnegie & Pullman Battle Supremacy in the railroad sleeping-car business Bucking each other and slashing prices/chances of profit Carnegie used same principles and saw cooperation = advantage Deal = Company name "The pullman palace car company" Carnegie in charge

2.3.2. An executive who can not remember names Can't remember a significant part of his business Operating on quick sand

2.4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

2.4.1. "I envy you, do tell me more" Other's want an interested listener Expands Ego

2.4.2. Easy way to become a good coversationalist Listen Intently and Attentive Genuinly Interested Highest Compliment We Can Pay Encourage Others to Speak To Be Interested, Be Interested Ask What They Enjoy Answering People are Interested in Their Own Wants and Accomplishments

2.4.3. Example Vicious Costumer Refuses to Pay Listen, Sympathize and let him/her rave to get a Feeling Of Importance.

2.5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

2.5.1. "The Royal Road to a Person's Heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures the most."

2.5.2. Example Meeting in a very nice Office Start talking about the office or Trophees Roosevelt Before meeting he stayed up late to do research on person's interests.

2.6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

2.6.1. "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." You want recognition of your true worth You want to feel important in your world You want sincere appreciation

2.6.2. Example Waitress "Sorry to trouble you but.." "Would you mind" "Would you be so kind to" Resignation Key-figure Restaurant Refused her resignation in front of all staff Too important, as important to the restaurant as himself

3. Win People to Your Way Of Thinking

3.1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

3.1.1. You can not win an argument

3.1.2. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still

3.1.3. If argued, Rankled or Contradicted you may achieve a victory somethimes Empty Victory Never Opponents Good Will

3.1.4. "Hatred is never ended by hatred but love" - Buddha And misunderstanding by Tact Diplomacy Concoliation Sympathic Desire to See Others Point of View

3.1.5. How to keep disagreement from becoming an argument 1. Welcome The Disagreement 2. Distrust Your First Impression 3. Control Your Temper 4. Listen First 5. Look For Areas Of Agreement 6. Be Honest 7. Promise To Think Over Your Opponents Ideas and Study Them Carefully 8. Thank Opponnt Sincerely For Their Interest 9. PostponeAction To Give Both Sides Time To Think Through The Problem

3.2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

3.2.1. Galileo "You Cannot Teach A Man Anything, You Can Only Help Him To Find Him."

3.2.2. Lord Chesterfield "Be Wiser Than Other People If You Can, But Do Not Tell Them So."

3.2.3. Socrates "One Thing Only I Know And That Is That I Know Nothing."

3.2.4. Jesus "Agree With Thine Adversity Quick."

3.2.5. Quit telling people they are wrong "Well look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let's examine the facts Admitting you are wrong may stop an argument & inspire others tobe as fair and open minded Disarming approach Understanding attitude Respect other's opinions & treating them diplomatic & courteously Makes opponent admit too

3.2.6. You can not change minds by force Not ideas but self-esteem is threatened

3.2.7. Permit yourself to understand another First reaction to statements Evaluation Judgement - Right/Stupid Rather than understand DO NOT Direct contradictions to other's statements "certainly" "undoubtly" Replace it by "I apprehend", "I can imagine"," It so appears to me at present"

3.2.8. No benefits telling someone's wrongs Strips self-dignity Making yourself an unwelcoming part

3.2.9. Diplomacy helps you gain your point

3.3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

3.3.1. Say about yourself all derogatory others are thinking Generous and forgiving attitude will take place Mistakes will be minimized Takes fight out of opponent

3.3.2. Example Artist Illustrator "If true, I have no excuse for my blunder, I have done this long enough to know better. I am ashamed of myself" Boss likely to defend you and minimiwze mistakes "Any mistake is irritating and costly, I am going to start all over." Boss likely to protest and defend you

3.3.3. Satisfaction Courage To Admit Clears air of guilt Clears defensiveness Solves problem created by error Makes opponent defend you More respect (enemies to friends) Nobility and Exultation

3.3.4. Any fool can defend mistakes, most fools do.

3.4. Begin in a friendly way

3.4.1. Convince you to be sincere

3.4.2. Proud to be here

3.4.3. Praise

3.4.4. Common Interests

3.4.5. Glad for Opportunity

3.4.6. Lincoln "A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall."

3.4.7. Example Moving out of appartement Notify Owner Sun and Wind Who is stronger? Challenge remove man's coat Wind blows, almost tornado. - Old man clutched his coat Sun shines and smiles kindly to the man - man removes quote

3.4.8. A friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

3.5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately

3.5.1. Emphasize on what you degree and not differ

3.5.2. Emphasize your are striving for a common end only differ in method not result

3.5.3. Keep opponent from saying No "No" is chained with pride

3.5.4. Sets psychological proces of the listener in an affirmative direction example ball direction and force

3.5.5. Example Client filling in form to open Bank Account Refuses to fill in certain details 1. Agree 2. Would you want your money to be send to your next kin when something happens? 3. Do you think it is a better idea to fill this in to avoid error and delay? Client Attitude softens knowing the info is for his own sake

3.5.6. Socrates Method Get "yes,"yes" response Ask questions your opponent would have to agree. Get armful of yes'es Opponents find themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied minutes previously

3.5.7. Chinese Proverb He who treads softy goes far

3.6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

3.6.1. Let others do a great deal of talking They know their problems best

3.6.2. Ask questions

3.6.3. Listen Empathically and Patiently

3.6.4. Keep an open mind

3.6.5. Example Representatives convincing company and president for a deal 1 representative lost his voice Made an efford to speak President - "Ill do the talking for you" Participation representatives - Smiles and few gestures President convinced himself Deal award 1.600.000 Dollar Succesfull People Likes to reminisce about early struggles Show interest Encourage Talking Let them weigh both sides in mind and let them convince themselves

3.6.6. French Proverb "If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you" excel friends = envious friends excel you = feeling of importance

3.6.7. Talk less, Listen more

3.7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

3.7.1. More faith in own ideas Make suggestions let them make own conclusions

3.7.2. Example Sales Manager Discouraged group of salespeople Asked their expectaions of the manager Asked salespeople what the manager should expect from them Moral Bergain New courage and inspiration Unsold Sketches Ask how to finish it in order they could use them. X-Ray Producers Approached head-x ray departement, Large hospital Asked for his expertise and ideas Sold himself Feeling of Importance

3.7.3. Nobody likes to be sold something or told something to do We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants and thoughts

3.7.4. Do not care about credits but about Results

3.8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

3.8.1. Try to genuinly put yourself in his/her place Less likely to dislike an effect Everyone is the same when in the same conditions Foundation interpersonal relationships

3.8.2. Cooperativeness in conversation When showing consideration other's ideas and feelings

3.8.3. Consider other's ideas and feelings as important as your own

3.8.4. Give person the purpose or direction of conversation What would the listener want to hear? Say what they want to hear first accepting his or her view-point will encourage the listener the be open minded

3.8.5. Examples Lawyer Writes down opponents case first Sales people Don't think about selling Think about the solution for the costumer Before entering the office Get a perfect idea of what you are going to say What are the person's interests and motives? Fire Camp Forest Let them enjoy Ask for safety trees warn them they punish with jail Tell them to put out fire afterwards Next visit up the hill Delayed payment (you) Apologize for inconvenience "I must be the most troublesome costumer" Likely to defend you and tell you Suggest to pay at the end of the month and rest whenever convenient

3.8.6. Why would he or she want to do something? Motives and Interests

3.9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

3.9.1. 3/4 people hungery and thirsty for sympathy Give it to them

3.9.2. Sympathise with unreasonable irritated people

3.9.3. Magic phrase "I do not blame you one for feeling as you do, I would to if I were you" Stops arguments and eliminates ill feelings Creates good will Makes opponent attentive

3.9.4. Examples Broken elevator Needs to be repaired Shutdown Sympathize with owner "More damage of not repaired quickly"

3.10. Appeal to the nobler motives

3.10.1. 2 reasons doing a thing Noble reason Real selfish reason

3.10.2. Example Credit departement collecting bills Situation 1 (don't) Situation 2 (Do)

3.11. Dramatize your ideas

3.11.1. Stating a truth is not enough Make it vivid, interesting and dramatic Showmanship Dramatic demonstration Happy faces

3.11.2. Examples Selling cash register Sell talk Drop pennies

3.12. Throw down a challenge

3.12.1. Example People not producing their quota of work Manager writes down big figure 6 on the ground Nightshift competes with morning shift

3.12.2. Stimulate competition Desire to excel Appealing to people of spirit

3.12.3. Magic sentence "They need a man up there with experience"

3.12.4. Exciting work more motivating than money

3.12.5. "A succesfull person loves the game, chance, self-expression, prove worth, excel, win. Where does your feeling of importance come from?

4. Be a Leader - Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentement

4.1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation

4.1.1. If you must find fault, this is the way to begin Start with praise and good points Easier to listen to unpleasant things after

4.1.2. Examples Writer delivers bad speech Splendid speech nobody could have done better Perfect for many occasions But we must consider it's effect from the party's standpoint (too sober speech) Could you write a new speech along the lines I indicate? Lincoln Forced out of white house Letter Obstreperous General Joseph Hooker Praised general before speaking of faults

4.2. All attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

4.2.1. Criticize without being hated for it

4.2.2. Example Employees smoking in non-smoking area Hand each cigar Ill appreciate it , boys, if you smoke these outside Say nothing about the problem Makes them feel important They get a present Poor speech It would be an excellent article for American Review Indirectly telling it will not do as a speech

4.2.3. Change BUT to AND Stay in praise Example "We are really proud of you for .. BUT if you had.. it could have been better." "We are really proud of you for .. AND if you.. it will be perfect." "We are really proud of you for .. AND if you.. it will be perfect."

4.3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

4.3.1. Easier to listen to your faults after the person admits he too is far from impeccable.

4.3.2. Admitting one's mistakes - even when not corrected can change someone's behaviour

4.3.3. Examples Bad spelling letter by secretary Sit down with typist "Somehow this word does not look right" One of the words I always had problems with. Reason my spelling book Opens particular page, "here it is" I am conscious about spelling because people judge us by our letters - less professional

4.4. Ask questions instead of giving direct order

4.4.1. No one likes to take orders Suggest or question "You might consider" "Do you think that might work?" "What do you think of this" "Don't you think you could.." questions makes oders more pleasant Stimulates creativity

4.4.2. Give the opportunity to let others do things themselves Let them make mistakes Easier to correct them Saves a person's pride Gives feeling of importance encourage cooperation instead of rebellion

4.4.3. More likely to accept order if they had a part in the decision causing the order to be issued

4.4.4. Examples Large order company - Manager DON'T - push employees to accelerate Call everyone together Explain situation, importance to company and them Make them participating in decision making Employees come up with ideas and insisted to take the order "We can do it" mentality

4.5. Let the other person save face

4.5.1. Examples Remove head of departement of electricity Talented genius in his craft but bad leader indispensable & highly sensitive Solution: New title "Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company" Dismiss Seasonal Personnel Praise doing a fine job Company proud and rooting for them wherever they go and work Personnel will still be there next season when needed Personnal affection with the company

4.5.2. Script positively and show faith Examples New employee - Error project at first meeting

4.5.3. Losing face = Destroying ego Hurting a man's dignity is a crime

4.6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

4.6.1. How to spur people to succes

4.6.2. You train a dof by praising him & give food for every slight of improvement

4.6.3. Examples Boy wants to be a singer Teacher discourages him Mother praised him and acknowledged improvement Enrico Caruso - Opera Singer New employee with negative attitude Praise his work & tell how important, superior his work is

4.6.4. Abilities wither under criticism and blossom under encouragement.

4.7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

4.7.1. Examples Good worker starts delivering shoddy work Praise employee "Fine work, all these years. Costumer's satisfaction" Yet of late, time to complete job increased, your work not up to your standards. Because your have been such an outstanding employee felt to tell you that I am not happy with this situation Perhaps we could find a way to correct this problem? Rejection products, food market chain store Go back to the manager "I have respected the fact that you are always willing to listen & are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant change. Teacher - Pupil causing discipline problems in class Tell the boy he is a natural leader Give responsability to help and make this the best class Reinforce him the first fe days by complimenting him

4.7.2. The average person can be lead readily if you have his or her respect & if you show you respect their ability

4.7.3. If you want to improve a certain aspect, act as thought that particular aspect were already one of his characteristics

4.8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

4.8.1. Praise what is right and minimize errors

4.8.2. Telling someone he has no gift destroys will to improve

4.8.3. Show faith in someone and being liberal with encouragement Person will keep practising in order to excel

4.8.4. Examples Boy accident and had scar on his face Seen as a dumb child with brain injuries 2 grades behind Wanted to be a technician Had to learn math Father helped him with sets of cards until he got everything right Found the art of learning and that it can be easy Life changed Elected to the National Honor Society

4.9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

4.9.1. Make people happy to do what you want

4.9.2. Examples Jeff collecting pears from the ground Gardener more easy to lawn the yard Jeff neglected the job Made a deal to pay 1 dollar for every bucket of pears Every pear missed is minus 1 dollar

4.9.3. Examples by giving a new title Boys ruin gardens of neighbourhood Gave leader of gang the authorithy and title "detective" Employee always added the wrong Price Tags Give her a new title "Supervisor of price tag posting" Fullfils duty with satisfaction Napoleon Created Legion of Honor Luted 15000 crosses to soldiers Gave title to 18 Generals "Marshals of France" Troops new title "Grand Army"

4.9.4. Guidelines of an Effective Leader To Change Attitude and Behaviour 1. Be sincere: mind your promises and focus on other's wants 2. Know what you want the other person to do 3. Be Empathic: What does the other person wants? 4 Consider the benefits of the person doing what you suggest. 5. Match benefits to other person's wants 6. When requesting something, formulate it by the benefits of the person success increases by 10%