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I Am by Mind Map: I Am

1. An Artist

1.1. My definition of art

1.1.1. Very narrow Photography as a tool, not an Artform There is a difference between creative persuits and Art Performance is its own category Music is its own category Film... I don't even know what to do with film. I guess it has its own category. Art should be made with the hands, not a computer. The definition of Art is not the same as the definition of: beauty meaning creation story Not everything is art, not everyone can make art, not everyone can understand art, but everyone should be able to enjoy art. The inspired process used to create art requires a certain amount of skill and a certain amount of talent. A true artist possesses both. One without the other is insufficient. One with skill but no talent can only copy what is in front of him, while this creation may be beautiful, it lacks meaning. One with talent but no skill is worse. They make a mockery of art by assigning meaning to poorly rendered creations.

2. A Daughter

2.1. Mom: Lynn Urban

2.1.1. Professor of Criminology At UCM Enjoys job

2.1.2. KinderCare Worked for ten years Knew every day it wasn't what she was meant to do Turned down several supervising positions Three locations Toddler room Able to check on us whenever she wanted Never absent from our day Didn't have to read about our activities on a slip of paper

2.1.3. Starved to death in a former life Always cooking Always sending snack bags Bases opinions on how much people eat Learns names and faces after three feedings Raven said "I'll eat anything," later said hated tomatoes. Full asian/barbeque spread, all Bailey ate was rice. Mom said not to invite her over anymore

2.1.4. Kitchen talks Started in 2004 at Centerview First began to truly connect Once she held me and cried, I didn't know what to do Continued all through high school Talk about day Philosophical discussions Began to identify her as my best friend Still occur every time I'm home Tori pipes in sometimes now Phone talks when away Calls worried if I don't call in a few days

2.2. Parents met in Key West

2.2.1. Mom there to get scuba certification

2.2.2. Dad "tried to kill her" with a jet ski

2.3. Dad: Wayne Urban

2.3.1. Complicated Relationship Childhood Distant Mainly remember his screaming and punishments Also remember watching a lot of movies together Called me "Princess" Puberty Started slapping me in the face Can actually say I hated him Any faith severed by the discovery of Patty Interactions limited to demanding labor and angry shouting Major factor of my fracture Late high school Couldn't physically hurt me anymore because of bum knee Learned how to speak his language He changed drastically after grandma died Cancer changed everything Fickle relationship with my writing Graduation Cried before ceremony Basically set me free College Distance good for our relationship Gave me an American Express I began to address his irritating behavior Huge fight about Stitch Random coffee talks

2.3.2. Military Service Vietnam Recon team Primary source of PTSD Agent Orange "We were never in Cambodia" Awards Drill Sargent Fort Nox Was still allowed to make recruits do crazy things. Desert Storm Absent for most of mom's pregnancy with me Drove a tank

2.3.3. Previous Marriages Barb From Colorado (and Texas?) Unknown woman 1 Unknown woman 2

2.3.4. Everyone knows him Guy in the bayou Air traffic controller Lukus's DI

3. A Partner

3.1. Love isn't about being perfect for each other or agreeing all the time or even liking each other all the time. It's about knowing that there are better people out there and preferring not to look for them. It's about not never telling the other person they are inadequate.

3.2. ^ This is my jaded conclusion.

3.3. I have been manipulated, abused, heartbroken, and told I am inadequate time and time again. Now I'm with someone who has hurt me in the past but I know will never tell me I'm not good enough. I don't want anything else.

4. A Student

4.1. Crest Ridge

4.1.1. Did NOT want to move there Major culture shock

4.1.2. Band became central to my life Met Ceci Locked parents out of house once Dealt with Mize bullshit Inman kicked me off flag corps

4.1.3. Dad heart attack scare Saw him and grandma cry for the first time

4.1.4. Vanessa -.- Got me into Anime Turned out to be psychotic

4.1.5. Mrs. Bryan First real display of art talent Ceci and... erm... "watercoloring" Knows Jenkins AND Leesha

4.1.6. Mrs. Smith Very supportive of novel Kicked up my reading addiction Was pulling for me and Brad

4.1.7. Fracture Andrea cow's comment Went silent for six months Stress over Patty split me.

4.2. High School

4.2.1. Jenkins Art 2 Got noticed She thought I was a senior Took interest in me and Lukus Joined Art Club Art 5 Became prized student - only artist in class of 2010 Took over art club And Beyond Uses me as a resource at SAIC Shoved letter from SAIC in Dahman's face (literally)

4.2.2. Sadler Future Problem Solving Good student until things got too heated in class discussion Ended up talking about home problems, became friends (?) Proved her wrong in persuasive paper about Othello Cried when Malori and I approached her at graduation Got her to watch Princess Mononoke Emissary between her and Rose during stage miscommunication

4.2.3. Bauer I owe my career path to this man Taught me AutoCAD Fought tooth and nail when they fired him Architecture State Blood sugar crash

4.2.4. Rose Speech and Debate Nailed down public speaking skills Lettered in one year Really bad flu sick at Districts Death by Chocolate Token role Learned the society The Invisible Boy First acting role Dyed hair for punky role Dracula's Boarding House Costume AND makeup designer Quick-fix-Kat Autumn got sick at last second Dylan's drug issues Odd Couple Originally forgotten on cast list Drama with moving stages Raven manipulated me into hating the rest of the cast Drama with last minute costumes Drama with doble-booked stage on dress rehearsal night Flying sandwitches?? (Tori got crush on Kam)

4.2.5. Dehart Trig as a Sophomore Exposed to more Lukus drama than was healthy Was more of their pet than their classmate Alienated me from own graduating class Calc David Levi Me

4.2.6. Potter The teacher who married a student Physics Nathan Got me through shit with Lukus and Raven Kidnapped me when I was grounded We ran away to see Wolverine after academic banquet Andy aka biggest douchebag I've ever met Lived next door to crazy cat lady Ripped me to shreds at fudraiser with Dave Got close to Sarah

4.3. College

4.3.1. Fall 2010 World Cultures: Prehistory-19th Dan Merkle Dostoevsky's Prose Sasha Spektor Core 1 Werner and Steve Research 1 John Henley Design Drawing Patrick Lezhin Wired

4.3.2. Spring 2011 Mod & Cont Art/ Arch Jenine Mileaf Greek Tragedy Raja Halawani Core 2 Reseach: 7DS Fred Holland Intro to Inarch Jaak Jurison

4.3.3. Fall 2011 Hist of Space Kevyn Rafi Thinking Strategies Cinthia Coleman Ideas and Spaces Homa and Carl Ray Figure Drawing Joanne Scott Yoga Suddha

4.3.4. Spring 2012 Soph Sem Lisa Norton Fluid Interfaces Hennie and Kristen Arch Hist 2 1800-now Joseph Socki Beg InArch 2 Clem and Tannys Design with Light Rick Caseman

4.3.5. Fall 2012 Intermediate Inarc: Living (6 ch) Design With Materials (3 ch) Architectural Theory (3 ch) Living With Color (3 ch) + SummerCourse(s) Construction Management

5. A Redhead

5.1. In middle school believed the length of your hair was directly related to how attractive you were.

5.2. Once swore to never dye or even blow dry my hair

5.3. Was informed that pale was pretty, broke me of my fear of wearing red.

5.3.1. Hacked 18 inches off my hair shortly after

5.4. Dyed hair for the first time Junior year

5.4.1. Never stopped Sometimes went to two colrs

5.4.2. During Invisible Boy

5.5. Sassoon

5.5.1. Approached on the street to be hair model

5.5.2. Styles became more agressive

5.5.3. The shorter my hair gets the more confident I feel

6. A Writer

6.1. This is my therapy.

6.1.1. "I shall eviscerate you in fiction!"

6.1.2. "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel."

6.1.3. "A story is worth a thousand truths."

6.1.4. Lies as a pathway to deeper truth

6.2. Projects

6.2.1. Fanwork

6.2.2. Rutilus Nex Witchhunt age horror

6.2.3. Plain English Old English soap opera written in 21st century vernacular.

6.2.4. Sero One Indroduce Third Side and RDS Develop characters and their powers Trigger events that set off the RDS and the Third Side Hint at Immortal Coven Hurricane Solidify Immortal Involvement Step up RDS role Involvement RDS bullshit Final The breakaway Finally get Council approval Characters Water Fire Earth Air Other Antagonists (Not Immortal) Next Generation?

7. A Military Brat

7.1. Soldiers are a higher class of people and should be treated as such.

7.2. Being raised by a soldier means

7.2.1. I am strong

7.2.2. I am disciplined

7.2.3. I know there are people of higher rank than me

7.2.4. I know rank does not reflect experience or qualification

7.2.5. I know wars must be fought by soldiers and not by politicians.

7.2.6. I know the government is not always honest with us

8. A Punk

8.1. Ink

8.1.1. First tattoo as Graduation present from Mom Total surprise Drove me to the burg. I freaked out when she pulled up to the Zone Made me swear never to tell Dad of her involvement

8.1.2. Second tattoo as Christmas gift to self Same day as Dylan's first tattoo And all the implications there Dad noticed over a year later Didn't even attempt to kill me

8.2. Piercings

8.2.1. First set at age 9 in Walmart Parents said if I wanted any after that I'd have to pay myself

8.2.2. Second set at age 16(?) at Claires

8.2.3. First Helix to commemorate moving to Chicago Body Modification Thursday Derive day with Serena Should have got the industrial Visited home twice before Dad noticed

8.2.4. Second Helix randomly over thanksgiving break Gift from Lukus

8.3. The Browning

8.3.1. Magical first concert

8.3.2. Preordered first album

9. Conflicted

9.1. Redd

9.1.1. Passionate

9.1.2. Outwardly Destructive

9.1.3. Confident

9.1.4. Like a dragon

9.2. Blu

9.2.1. Shy

9.2.2. Caring

9.2.3. Inwardly Destructive

9.2.4. Like a rainstorm

9.3. Shield

9.3.1. Emotionless

9.3.2. The defense mechanism of my defense mechanism

9.4. The Battle

10. White

10.1. North European

10.1.1. Scotch

10.1.2. French

10.1.3. Polish

10.1.4. Cossack

10.1.5. English

10.2. This does not mean it is easy for me to get scholarships. Or a job.

11. Agnostic

11.1. Born Methodist

11.1.1. Felt weird and out of place at sunday school

11.1.2. Absolutely hated sitting through service

11.1.3. Millenium party Realize now they actually thought the world would end

11.1.4. 30 hour famine

11.1.5. Joan of Arcadia Most formative religious experience Effectively killed my desire to deal with regular service Major bonding with mom

11.2. Choked Baptist

11.2.1. Once we moved we never found another good church

11.2.2. Rigid baptist ideals irritated me

11.3. Experimental Buddhist

11.3.1. Discovered in 8th grade

11.3.2. Gained knowledge through Buddhism for Dummies

11.4. Christopher Hitchens "God is Not Great"

11.4.1. Became less about what I believe and more about what I refuse to believe Refuse to believe there is no point to anything Cannot escape reality of reincarnation

11.4.2. Poked enough holes in the Bible to alienate me from it forever. Humans are too flawed to be divinely designed

11.5. Now I don't know what I am

11.5.1. Still believe in reincarnation

11.5.2. Still believe in a higher power

11.5.3. Developing ideas of energy as a deity(?)

11.5.4. Believe in ghosts, not sure where they fit though

11.5.5. Believe that there is a divine(?) plan

12. A Geek

12.1. Anime

12.2. Architecture

12.3. Band

12.4. History

12.5. Superheroes/Comics

13. A Sister

13.1. Half Sister: Patricia Dennard

13.1.1. Didn't meet Dad until she was 12 Legally dropped the name Urban at 16

13.1.2. Married Patrick Dennard Alcoholic Died Winter 2008

13.1.3. Discovery At dinner Unexpected Vaguely remember dad talking about her once when he thought I was alseep

13.1.4. Attempts at relationship Met in 2003 Awkward first visit Walks around the neighborhood Brought cousin for moral support Summer 2005 Bought xbox Talks at the pool Dad's Threat Mom's reaction Summer 2008 Introduced to Lukus Winter 2008 Grandma Sick Summer 2009 Party at Tina's Winter 2009 Grandma's Funeral Fall 2011 First real connection Over the phone Genuine interest in my life Winter 2012 Called about this project Continued interest Optimism for future

13.1.5. Caused intense stress on family

13.1.6. Teacher/Counselor

13.1.7. Comp Paper 2010 Lies of Omission First non-familial opportunity to deal with it. Finally reconciled it in my own head. Began to understand parent's feelings Began to forgive Still wasn't ready to connect with her.

13.2. Sister: Victoria

13.2.1. Four years younger Too small a difference to remain separate Too large a difference to really connect

13.2.2. Childhood Always in the play room together at home Always in different rooms at kindercare Peaceful period was very short Once she was old enough for us to play the same games she got bossy I quickly outgrew the same games, began writing

13.2.3. Puberty Constant bickering No attempts at peace by either of us Fist fights ending in holes in doors Unending battles over her coming into my room without permission

13.2.4. High School Something clicked She says it was the moment I punched her in the face over Dylan I think it didn't happen until after they broke up. After school drives became bonding experience She joned theatre - fatefully wonderful decision Speech and Debate Became friends first, sisters second.

13.2.5. College Cried when I moved out Turned really pissy when Lukus and I got back together. Complains that I don't call, but she doesn't either. Justified frustration that I don't spend enough time with her Fiercely stood up for me against Presley

14. A "Mom"

14.1. Claude

14.1.1. Rott/Sharpe mix

14.1.2. Weighed more than me

14.1.3. Looked scary as hell but was really a big teddy bear... unless he felt threatened Killed a stray cat at the emu farm Let us do things like put ribbons on his ears

14.1.4. Somehow just became my baby Layed under my desk while I authored Pouted if I was away overnight

14.1.5. Smartest dog ever Used to "work" at the animal shelter Mom pointed to him and said "I want that one" before seeing any other dogs. Got a call from the shelter almost a year later saying he was up for adoption Dad brought him home as a surprise Could open doors with his paw Stole turkey carcass off the counter Learned to swim at age 8 when thrown off the boat

14.2. Sarge

14.2.1. Picked him out after Claude died Drove all the way to Wamego with Lukus to get him Sat on my lap in the park and licked my face like he missed me before he knew me Stopped at Mcdonalds, he drank water from a cup Fell in love with his floppy ears

14.2.2. Dumbest smart dog in the world Picked up potty training from Riley Still runs into things like he doesn't know where his body is in space Attacked Super Doe

14.2.3. Got really violent after I moved, calmed down when I came back Growled at Dylan. Should have trusted his judgement

15. A Designer

15.1. Not just an architect.

15.2. Solving the messy problems.

15.3. Casting off old customs in favor of newer, simpler, sustainable solutions.

15.4. Treating the cause, not the symptoms.

16. A Friend

17. Jaded

17.1. After being a hopeless romantic for years, finding my prince, watching him leave me, come back, and then turn around and leave him only to be hurt by that which I left him for... the only thing you can call me is jaded.

17.2. I am no longer amused by cute and fluffy romantic crap. I'm ready to be an old married couple.

17.3. I also watched my parents' marriage deteriorate without ever seeing them show the warmth of movie romance. I have no reason to believe it exists.

18. Responsible

18.1. Despite what my hypocritical father says.

18.1.1. He had a kid by the time he was my age, a kid who he ditched.

18.2. My six figure student loans are in my name, not my parents.

19. A Bitch

19.1. I'd rather be an arrogant bitch than be walked on.

19.2. Bitch logic: if I push and you push back, I will respect you. If I push and you roll over I will look down on you. I'd rather lose to the person who is right than win over someone who is right and weak.

20. Politically Incorrect

20.1. The only effective form of government is a dictatorship. It sucks, but it's true. Our job is to find something better.


21. Ridiculously Connected to Random Things

21.1. Orion

21.1.1. This is my favorite constellation. It is tattooed on my body twice and pierced into my left ear Several times driving if I got distracted I would look up suddenly just in time to avoid an accident, every time Orion was in the background. Sometimes I think if him as the spirit of my miscarried older brother.

21.2. Coca-Cola

21.2.1. Not just my favorite drink.

21.2.2. Love all the vintage signage and merchandise

21.3. The Prince of Egypt

21.3.1. Well...Disney movies in general

21.3.2. Sometimes I feel like Moses, like some higher power is directing me toward something I'm not necessarily ready to do.

21.4. Naruto

21.4.1. This show is ridiculous, childish, cliche, and usually not funny at all.

21.4.2. Yet I'm watching it for the third time.

21.4.3. This is also the only fandom I'm in. I have no desire to be in any fandom at all. Ever. But I can't help this one. I write fanfictions compulsively even though there are much better shows to spend my time on.

21.5. Wings

21.5.1. Having them. Wearing them. Drawing them. Writing about them.

21.5.2. Sometimes I want them so bad my shoulders hurt.

21.5.3. They're also the perfect metaphor for success.

21.6. The Number 3

21.6.1. "Lucky number"

21.7. Mythology

21.7.1. My mind's obsession is in finding links between cultures and their deities.

21.7.2. How do cultures that have never communicated all have myths about dragons? Answer: dragons exist.

22. A Godmother

22.1. Aldric Tyler